i love both you and the german language way too much
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Dienstag, August 31, 2004
owa! i have a little minor rug burn on my knee, from playing battleship...while pretending to do sexual things to the floor for allison's amusement.
i won battleship. sunk jenny's patrol boat first of all her ships, while she sunk my carrier. then we got the other three ships practically in synch and i found HER carrier rather easily while she hunted in vain for my patrol boat. sweet sweet victory. :D silliness is fun.
i talked to laddie today and he said things about trying to get me okayed to practice with the team, which would absolutely light up my life. *sigh* that would be awesome. i hope to go to the knitting lady tomorrow, if i can reach her, and then maybe be able to actually schedule things before leaving for woods hole (if i go, now that aunt reine's not going to be there (can you say wild house party (i jest)?))
1:17 AM
Montag, August 30, 2004
erin and i went to michigan. we felt bad about not including anyone else because it was so last-minute, and about interrupting mr. chatterjee's birthday, but we let both worries go as much as we could and went and had fun. i love hanging out with priya. we spent the last day or two impersonating several olympic athletes...before that there was a lot of movie-watching and foosball-playing and just generally being ridiculous. and squishish, who started out as squishish2, but then overtook my (original, blue, star-shaped) squishish as the foremost bearer of the name. squishish junior and yellow squishish and i don't mind at all. Also there was sleepover-talk, the watching and mocking of soap operas, ans several short, embarassing videos taken with erin's camera. sadly/thankfully, though, i think most of those were deleted. priya also got istanbul and then that song from that annoying coke commercial stuck in her and then my head worse than i can remember having a song stuck in my head in quite a while. and it was all very fun and michiganerific. i missed people a lot but it was kind of annoying to come home to responsibility and DECISIONS and scheduling and things. remind me to make new school year's resolutions one of these days?
i need to see people. i'm leaving again (for woods hole and then maryland) ridiculously soon. wednesday, maybe? i'm not sure. but soon.
2:56 AM
Dienstag, August 24, 2004
I wish I had a few more years before this whole college and/or adulthood thing fell on me. Why didn't I quit school in like seventh grade?
I wish I had arranged to go to Not Back to School Camp this year...maybe I'll find out about and then do Quo Vadis. Or something.
5:46 PM
Samstag, August 21, 2004
you know how i use the term self-loathing rather more than i should? well i mostly use it for the embarrassment kind of self loathing where i can't believe what a stupid fool i am and that i am even allowed by law to speak...the big embarrassment that lingers for days at best and years at worst (yes i know i should learn to get over stuff. i really am trying). but that's the sillier sense of it, much as it can suck. now i'm experiencing the worse kind of self loathing, and i feel like i need a new word for it. guilt almost works, but guilt is different for me. guilt is usually over things that i did either totally unintentionally or totally knowingly, and is usually about a situation that's fixable...i can alleviate the normal kind of guilt. now i have the kind of overpowering guilt/self loathing where i almost do hate myself. i think it may be too late for a temper tantrum; i don't want to wake mommy and daddy. this is the feeling that comes from having done something, stupidly not realizing that it was a bad and hurtful idea, and then having the crashing realization that you have been your stupidest stupidest self and that the consequence is not just people thinking less of you or mocking you or even getting annoyed with or disliking/not loving you, but is somebody else's hurt. combine two interlocking dissapointments and an embarrassment/mistake and you have my worst emotional nightmare...AND it's actually a real-life situation that actually involves me, which means that i'm actually (i know i reapeat obnoxiously, sorry) feeling everything at somewhere from nearly full strength to significantly above full strenght, considering that one of the characters is me and one of them is usually someone close to me. damn i hate these situations. ach some i hadn't thought of are coming back to me...like the time david laska and i put the anonymous note in eric abrams's desk in fifth grade...aaas the badness begins too get to big for me to handle and control. OKAY. SHUT UP, MAGGIEMIND. anyway. this is bad. i suspect this will continue to be bad for a very long time. i will endeavor to think about it as little as possible, and will slowly become able to think about it less and less over time. always before i've gone and cried at mommy until she started to make me feel better, but i don't feel like i can/should do that at this point. i must just be careful not to make any incredibly stupid mistakes of this nature for another several years, because i couldn't handle this if i had a semi-recent bigger-than-tiny incident, one that hadn't seriously started to fade in significance, to be reminded of.
I wrote this last night and forgot to publish. i felt good while i was waking up (a process of maybe a half an hour), but not so much anymore. i almost did something i shouldn't have last night, but didn't. be proud.
also i've been so focused on making myself do the columbia application, and haven't really yet, but now i'm re-wondering if i even should. i hate to think that procrastination is a reason for not wanting to do it, but i suppose that's possible. i'm just looking at the intense busy-ness i'm setting myself up for next year, and at how much i'd like to actually have money and be able to work with caroline's troop and things and...i don't know. am i only doing the math to get into college? to look like i'm really strong in my field of greatest interest? not only but probably partly. part of me wants to not be horribly insanely busy. part of me wants to not have to get up at 6 two mornings a week and commute 2ish hours. part of me wants to spend all that time in the city, though...i suppose i could apply and just do lin. alg., not diff eq. maybe. but....i want to keep up with spanish and german and italian and other things. and i want to have a job. and i want to be able to be around for my runner-girls. and i want to actually run myself, which helps with my sanity which is another thing i want. i don't want to be horribly horribly busy; i don't like that. i wish i were a stronger, more capable person, but i'm just not and i want time to relax and read and knit and experiment with new ways of making skirts. but i also want to learn math. and i don't want to learn math and then have some colleges not accept it because it's from sacred heart and didn't cover everything. where is mrs. honeycutt???? *cries*
also, ought i to get me a therapist?
2:24 PM
Freitag, August 13, 2004
i like the cricket sound and how well you can hear it even with all the doors and windows closed. such an august sound. a few minutes ago i was lonelyish and sad/annoyed that there was no one to talk to and the people there were weren't intuiting what i needed or i didn't feel able to talk to them or they didn't seem to care. now i feel better. just tired. i can think and talk and rant tomorrow. going to lie down in the library in the dark and listen to the crickets until i fall asleep. ich liebe euch.
1:46 AM
well i'm home, and i actually plan to stay here at least through sunday! i will react/reflect to/on
air travel, fun weather phenomena, the cloudgate sculpture in chicago, midwestern (candles) and southern (babies) cultural issssssues, matt sheridan/private urbanski, and the us army
later.
1:06 AM
Samstag, August 07, 2004
dreamed last night that i was in the stop and shop in north haven and allison and allison were both also their with their families (or at least partial families). and i realized that it made sense for them to be there, since we'd all come from some event in the area. my hips and...hamstrings? (it's in the hamstringy area just not a part that's ever been sore from running, so it doesnt seem like it carries that name) are sore in ways that i'm not used to being sore, which is minorly funny. leaving for college trip tomorrow, grr grr *sigh*
3:08 PM
today i went into the city and met nora and dan. we hung out for a couple of hours, did a little walking a little shopping and a little sitting. i think nora videotaped me doing the clappy thing to the sounds of o l'amour from dan's ipod and spiffy (omg i almost just typed 'nifty' and we had a mini discussion today about which words did and did not describe the ipod speakers and 'nifty' was in the did not list, i was claiming. heheh. woops.) ipod speakers, while making humorously embarrassed comments. oh nora. it was good to see them, if some of their classic...antics...are a little bit weird to be around. after dan left nora and i had meal and then her family collected her and i left, planning to take a short walk to kill the time until my 5:26 train (it was a little before 5).
I don't exactly know why, but I got kind of addicted to the walking, and to the knowledge that I didn't have any real time constraints. I've been wanting to explore some of the large parts of downtown manhattan with which i have little experience, and i love the feeling of travelling under my own power and being able to go wherever i want to. So i kept walking, mostly downtown and east, listened briefly to some japanese drummers in washington square park (today was the anniversary of hiroshima and they were raising money and awareness for some kind of anti-nuclear-weapons organization), looked at some books and clothes and other things for which i did not have money, stopped in an odd jobs (is that what it's called? something like that) and bought some comfy-looking socks and some headbands i thought bono might be interested in, which were five for eighty nine cents :D i complicated my path a wee bit in soho and in chinatown (largely opporating on get-me-away-from-all-the-dead-fish mode, heheh), but i kept progressing downtown and eastward. don't know why i wanted to go east. around 6:45 I was starting to get seriously tired in the hip flexors (sometimes people think it's weird when i refer to my hip flexors but i'm suprised other people dont more often...maybe theyre one of the ways i avoid using my weak weak abs and other people don't do that or something...anyway, my hip flexors tend to get tired from walking) and i realized that i had been walking away from grand central long enough that peak hours would be over before i got there, so i started to think about going back. i wanted some kind of appropriate farthest-point-south or climax or something to make my trip feel complete, though, so i walked a little further, saw the municipal building (and later spent several minutes trying to remember what D stood for in roman numerals) and then the sign for the Brooklyn Bridge. oh baby, you guessed it, perfect climax to maggie's insane walking afternoon. I must remember to dress in slightly less full skirts when i might end up on boats, on bridges, or in other windy situations. i was wearing the purple flowered one today, which has two full circles of cloth and is just begging to be blown up over my head. woops. i managed to contain it using my normal strategies until i got to the first um...those big things that hold up suspension bridges? towers? support column suspender thingys? those. the first set of those, but when i got around them, ridiculous gustiness occurred and i had to sort of tackle my skirt by flinging myself to the ground and trying to pin it down around me. i'm sure it was highly amusing. i'm not sure who was around or what they may have seen/thought (mommy suggested that it could have been performance art...hehe funny mental image of me falling (hard! it hurt) to kneel like a frantic muffin (girls kneeling in skirts have always seemed muffins to me. i have no explanation) trying to control the ridiculous amount of fabric for which i have ONLY maggie ewing to blame. ), but at least i was wearing cute underwear (gap underwear! *sticks out tongue at gap-body-haters*) if it did come to that (i remember for aunt margaret's wedding being all annoyed about having to wear the frilly underwearbecause it was, after all, just underwear, and i asked mommy (repeatedly, i'm sure, in the fine tradition of toddler-hood) what the point was, and she said that if my dress blew up or i fell or something i would want everyone to know that i was dressed up to the last detail, but i remember thinking that if my dress blew up it was a little late to be worrying about details of propriety as minor as underwear frills. i also remember that then i wanted to wear it backwards, so that the flowery stuff was in the front where i could see it while i was getting dressed, but mommy and allison (eaaaarrrrrrly childhood babysitter) woudn't allow that either. silly grownups.). i walked the rest of the bridge and the return journey with all of the blow-away-able fabric gathered into two (silly-looking, i'm sure) bunches in my two hands. then i walked west and a around a bit heading uptown through the village, then just back to grand central in a perfect window of time to catch the 9:07 and secure a set of three seats in which to put my feet up atop my backpack and shoes and do much stretching and a wee bit of massaging of feet in hopes of preventing extreme soreness and badness on the morrow. legs and feet are feeling pretty good, now...a little hip soreness but what're you going to do? the whole adventrue-let took about four hours and was much fun. mommy agrees that i am intense. she also says phillip used to walk a lot.
oh and i just remembered that this morning i was cold and i went to check on the clothes in the dryer and it was warm so i climbed up to lie down on top of the washer and dryer, with a pile of towels for a backrest/pillow and closed the laundry closet doors and thought and half-dozed. it was a really good napping spot, actually.
12:19 AM
Freitag, August 06, 2004
heh. i just noticed that i have little scars from The Knitting Kneedle Incident. heheheheh. wonder how long those'll be around.
1:41 AM
Donnerstag, August 05, 2004
having introduced tricia to googlism for the first time a few days ago, i've been re-looking at mine, and i feel like posting my favorites here. you don't have to read them, because I will read them and be happified, and that is enough. i have made my favorites-among-favorites BIG. life is exciting, neh?.
maggie is safe
maggie is on that ball
maggie is 'teh winz'
maggie is crazy
maggie is becoming very annoying
maggie is sometimes known as the bitch goddess
maggie is not used much at all
maggie is confused/curious
maggie is comfortable here
maggie is known as a woman of action and vision
maggie is determined not to learn to write cursive in third grade
maggie is mistaken for a hooker by her new tenant
maggie is spayed and has been dewormed and vaccinated for rabies
maggie is startlingly wholesome
maggie is pretty over the top
maggie is normally a quiet bird and doesn't make a fuss like some of her larger cousins
maggie is an eighteen year old elephant from zimbabwe
maggie is tricked into learning to read and write
maggie is an alliance of gender support groups in the midwest united states
maggie is
maggie is our rambunctious little weasel
maggie is so troubling that it almost was forgotten
maggie is always on the go
maggie is kidnapped by a corporate conglomerate that controls all food
maggie is desperately reluctant to become an idiot savant of immortality
maggie is at right now
maggie is in her favorite "ready to be a footwarmer" spot
3:39 AM
Mittwoch, August 04, 2004
also i didnt' wear a bra today. still not sure why the women's movement thought that was such a good idea.
4:37 AM
i would like it, right now, if there were somebody or several bodies here and we could sit on the couch in the library and read books or talk or watch tv (old school 20/20 with hugh downs, maybe) and there would be somebody for me to rest my head on. that would be nice.
2:09 AM
Dienstag, August 03, 2004
i don't feel good. i have not been nice to maggie today.
10:17 PM
Familiar places are cool because when you spend time at one you remember other times you've been there and things that have happened there and it's often very nice. The cannons, for example, I've climbed with my brothers, and with Eliz Lemoine when we were very young and they were big and scaryish, and with bunches of other friends on the day of the fireworks or at other times during summer in middle school, and with the cross country team freshman year when we had that barbeque, and with...who was that? during the thunderstorm that time we were having the picnic and Al arrived and came out of her car yelling at us that we were insane and going to get electrocuted and made us seek shelter in the pavillion and then the storm was really cool and then we saw a rainbow, and with erin on various beach expeditions this year, and with cassie this summer, and probably with other people at other times i no longer remember. When I brought my visitando ctyers to the beach it was nice to sit on the cannons and be with those people in that place, where I had so many diverse, festive memories of other beloved people and good times. And then today when Erin, Allison, Allison, Rachel and I (Kiera and Jenna and Caroline and Caroline's exchange student were there too, but not for as long) were sitting on them tonight, it was nice to have all of the pleasant associations back into the weirdness that is my memory from before first grade or so, and to have included in that the thought of leaning back on Lisa and listening to Jon read about the 'satiable elephant's child and that day of happiness. *smiles contentedly but in that kind of way where you can try to relax your face but it just keeps pushing itself into and ever-wider smile*
12:11 AM
Sonntag, August 01, 2004
i changed my desktop background to a picture of russel crowe knitting. thank you, cindy?
3:45 AM
tmbg was awesome plus. they played end of the tour which was kind of weird. erin came with me (mom drove us and hung out at the lembos' while we were at the concert) and we actually did run into noah and his friend katie (i had basically given up on the cty contingent), and it was cool. and They are cool. very very very cool. today (/yesterdya) was good. skating, tag saleage, napping/reading, runlet with al, diner the moulin rouge with al and jen. damn that movie makes one sad and desirous of movie-like perfect love. though real love would be nice too. aaaand then i came home and did online-ness. i tried the diner's veggie burger for the first time. it was...*shrug* a veggie burger. i only ordered it because we decided pasta with side order of potato product was unacceptable. :-p and :-D both.
12:52 AM
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